


Walk Like A Man

by Spiteful_Letters



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: Coming Out, Dan is a Lawyer, Drag Queens, M/M, Sexual Confusion, dubious legal advice, probable smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 08:07:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7214428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spiteful_Letters/pseuds/Spiteful_Letters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil is a drag queen named Phillippa Treasure.</p><p>Dan is just very confused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Walk Like A Man

In spite of all the planning and excitement that had gone into the night, Dan was feeling thoroughly bored and frustrated as he nursed his drink. He tried to disguise it by slapping Caspar on the back a couple of times and ordering everyone another round, yet he couldn’t help but take surreptitious glances at his watch when no one else was looking.

When he had asked Laura to marry him six months previously he hadn’t factored in on all of the tedious events leading up to the day. It had been perfectly simple: down on one knee, a beautiful diamond ring, a kiss and a hug and some tears. But then had come the planning, the endless nights of choosing napkins and flowers and shades of blue for the bridesmaid’s dresses… Then there had been the elaborate engagement party, the expensive bridal shower and now, of course, the stag do. It was all too much, he thought, as he sipped on his beer. He would have been happier with a quiet night in at home, watching Netflix in bed with a box of Maltesers. Instead he was watching a woman gyrating on stage, only a couple of inches of sequined fabric protecting her modesty. They had decided to go to a burlesque show instead of a strip bar as everyone agreed that it was a bit less sleazy. Sitting watching the show, Dan wasn’t sure he really agreed. At least there was something honest about the naked women and the men who ogled them in those kind of dives. This place was supposedly a ‘celebration’ of the female form but somehow it amounted to the same thing in the end.

 _Only four weeks to go,_ he thought as the men around him all cheered. Then all of this would be over. He and Laura would be living happily as man and wife and he could go back to the normal routine. Maybe they could even get a dog… He thought about this as girl after girl strutted around on the stage, some of them dancing, some just wiggling around, others singing. He tried hard to feign some interest as everyone else wolf whistled and cheered. He just couldn’t see the appeal. The women were pretty, in an obvious, made-up kind of way, but the whole thing was so embarrassing that it made him want to crawl into a hole. He figured that they probably had about half an hour before he could potentially start making a move.

“Alright, guys I think I’m going to call it a night” he said finally, having had enough.

“Come on Dan, this is the last time you’ll be able to experience this as a single man” said Alfie, slurring his words slightly and putting an arm around Dan. He, Joe and Casper were looking a little worse for wear, but their enthusiasm hadn’t exactly waned.

“At least stay till the end of the show!” pleaded Casper, who was getting his wallet out to order another drink.

“Alright then,” said Dan, resigned. He stared up at the buxom redhead currently onstage, singing a number from some musical or other, twirling around with a mischievous smile as the audience roared. Dan hoped she would be the last one he’d have to sit through.

After she had finished her song and flung her large feather boa to the ground, the emcee took to the stage, clapping and announcing: “Alright, ladies and gentlemen. Now its time for the girl you’ve all been waiting for: our final act. She’s a sexy seductress from the mean streets of Camden. She’s beauty, she’s grace; she’s packing all sorts of rhinestones and God only knows what else in that tight little negligée of hers: it’s the one and only…Phillippa Treasure!”

 _Thank God_ , thought Dan, mentally checking out as a very tall, dark-haired woman entered the stage. In fifteen minutes from now, give or take, he would be in a taxi cab on his way home. And in half an hour, possibly a little less, he would be safe and warm in bed.

Everyone cheered and whooped as Phillippa shuffled forward. She was wearing a very long dark robe that trailed onto the ground and she held it closed, her long raven hair obscuring her face. The whole room seemed to draw a collective breath as they waited for her to begin.

 _Get on with it_ , thought Dan impatiently. The introduction to a song that was familiar to him, but which he couldn’t quite place started playing. And then Phillippa suddenly let her robe fall to the ground, stepping forwards into the spotlight and singing:

_'Baby cant you see_

_I’m calling_

_A guy like you_

_Should wear a warning_

_It’s dangerous_

_I’m fallin’_

Dan was ashamed to realise that he knew exactly what she was singing: it was ‘Toxic’ by Britney Spears. God knows he had sung it himself enough times in the shower, or when no one else was around. He had to admit that it was one of his guilty pleasures. And Phillippa, her voice husky and surprisingly deep for a woman, was actually doing it justice. Her hips were swaying in time to the music, her bangles jingling around on her wrists as she held onto the microphone. She had a very unusual look, Dan thought, as he took a sip of his beer. Her legs were long and slim like a supermodels, but her face was angular and oddly proportioned. Her whole appearance had something of a witchy vibe to it, with her long nose and her dark hair which fell all the way down to her chest… Dan couldn’t help but look. There was barely anything there, but her pearl necklace draped between the faintest hint of a cleavage.

_'With a taste of your lips_

_I’m on a ride_

_You're toxic I'm slipping under_

_With a taste of a poison paradise_

_I’m addicted to you_

_Don’t you know that you’re toxic_

_And I love what you do_

_Don’t you know that you’re toxic'_

Dan was sure it was just his imagination, but he could have sworn that she was now looking directly at him, her bright blue eyes locked onto his. He felt himself stiffen and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat, hoping no one would catch his shifty expression. Jesus Christ. This was one cliché he never thought he’d find himself living out: getting turned on by a stripper at his stag do.

But it was probably just the bright lights, and the fact that she was an attractive woman in her own way, and wearing next to nothing. Nothing to worry about. Just human nature. She removed her bra now to reveal nothing but a pair of glittering jewels covering her nipples. Dan gulped. He was beginning to sweat, he was sure of it.

 _Please let this be over soon_ , he thought.

But she was coming closer, holding a long chain which she whipped in time to the music. Before he knew what was happening she had bounced off the stage and into the cheering audience.

_'Too high_

_Can’t come down_

_It’s in the air_

_And it’s all around_

_Can you feel me now'_

 

Christ. She was getting closer now, stopping occasionally to pick up tips from whooping admirers and stuff them into her black thong.

And he suddenly realised. She had a bit of a bulge down there. She was completely flat-chested. And she had a rather large adam’s apple. Fuck.

“Er, Guys, I think we should go now” he nudged Joe and Caspar, willing them to agree and leave, but they ignored him completely, instead waving around fistfuls of fivers. And now she (he?) was coming right over, right up to their table, smiling and her (his?) eyes were fixed on Dan’s.

_'Intoxicate me now_

_With your lovin' now_

_I think I'm ready now_

_I think I'm ready now_

_Intoxicate me now_

_With your lovin' now_

_I think I'm ready now'_

 

She ended the song by drinking a small vial of a green liquid which she pulled from her thong ( _how much can she fit down there?,_ thought Dan) and death dropping to the floor by Dan’s feet as the audience erupted into applause. His friends elbowed him as they all got to their feet, clapping.

“I think she likes you, Dan” said Joe, spluttering with laugher. Phillippa must have heard, because she got up from the splits and blew Dan a kiss.

“See you around, honey” she said before running off. Dan had to force himself not to watch her _(his!)_ ass bounce around in the tiny black thong as he darted away. _Fucking hell,_ he thought.

No one else seemed to think anything of it, beyond the gentle teasing he received in the taxi ride back to his flat.

“Trust you, Dan. The only one who had eyes for you turns out to be a bloke” Alfie was doubled over with laugher, his eyes streaming with tears of mirth.

“Laura’s got some serious competition!” said Caspar gleefully. He batted them all away and bade them goodnight when the taxi reached his flat. He hoped they’d all grow tired of the joke by the time he saw them next, but he had a feeling it was going to linger on for a while. As he fumbled around in his pocket for his keys he realised he was more than a little drunk. The ground was swaying. He had hoped Laura would be asleep when he got in but she was wide awake, reading a novel by lamplight in their bed.

“How was it?” she smiled, tossing her blonde curls back behind her.

“It was…” _How had it been?_ He suddenly wondered. “… good.”

Untrue. It had been confusing at best. Deeply uncomfortable at worst.

“Fantastic. You look a bit dishevelled!” She giggled, pushing her glasses up to her nose. “Come here.” He fell into her arms. She smelt of soap and perfume, minty toothpaste, and that familiar undefinable Laura scent. He had known her since high school and he had never felt safer than when he was next to her.

“Sorry, I probably smell like a brewery right now” he said, his voice muffled against her hair.

“I don’t mind” she said. “OH.” She pulled away from him suddenly and took out a small notebook from underneath her pillow. “So I talked to Linda about the flowers to see if we could change them from lilies to forget-me-nots. And she’s going to get back to me sometime in the next week. And then Louise called and told me she’s having her dress taken in but its alright because her friend is a tailor and she’ll do it for free, but if we need to make any adjustments we can get her details and get a great discount. So I was thinking. You should probably try on your suit again, and…”

Dan let his eyelids droop as she talked. She didn’t really require any answers, she seemed happy enough just ticking boxes in her wedding notebook. It occurred to him that he didn’t think he had ever seen her this happy throughout the entire eight years that they had been together.

Eventually she turned the light out and sank down under the covers, next to him. As tired as he had been when he’d first lain down, now he couldn’t seem to get that damn Britney Spears song out of his head. Nor could he forget that pale, narrow face, or those piercing blue eyes.

 _Shut up, shut up, shut up_ , he told his brain.


End file.
